MADRID — Being a step is little discussed, largely uncharted territory. No one grows up imagining they will one day carry the title of stepmother or stepfather, and no one teaches you how to fill that often very important role.
Also, nobody tells children that around half of all marriages end in divorce, or that one day they might live with their mother‘s or father‘s new partner. It is something that just happens. And more and more often. Estimates suggest that around 14% of households in Spain are blended families, meaning at least one of the adults has children from a previous relationship.
For the latest news & views from every corner of the world, Worldcrunch Today is the only truly international newsletter. Sign up here.
Despite the vast amount of literature on motherhood and fatherhood in modern society, very little has been written or researched about the relationships that develop between stepparents and their stepchildren in so-called blended or reconstituted families.
Oral tradition, meanwhile, tends to warn us about the dangers of stepmothers, as if they are the opposite of both birth mothers, and the benevolent godmother. If language shapes how we see the world, then the word “stepmother” has long carried a heavy burden of negative meaning, often used as a stand-in for cruelty, coldness, or rejection.
Even the Spanish Royal Academy’s dictionary defines the word in one of its meanings as “a mother who mistreats her children.”
But according to Ana Cristina Herreros, a philologist and storyteller who specializes in the symbolism of folklore, “the evil stepmother of traditional tales is a creation of 19th-century German bourgeois society, which had lost touch with the symbolic meaning behind the idea of maternal abandonment.”
Abandonment to eroticism
Herreros notes that in the first edition of the Brothers Grimm fairy tales, published in 1812, it was the mother who abandoned her children in the woods in stories like Hansel and Gretel or Snow White, to help them grow up. In later editions, the stepmother appears instead. “Although in Cinderella, the (wicked) stepmother was always there,” she adds.
Herreros highlights a crucial, more general point: “In traditional tales, the mother is not the one who gives birth, but the one who raises the child.”
She is cast as a figure of desire and moral transgression.
Then there is In Praise of the Stepmother, where Peruvian novelist Mario Vargas Llosa presents a completely different take on the character, casting her as a figure of desire and moral transgression. What is certain is that literature and folk stories have always been shaped by the social and cultural norms of their time, especially when it comes to the roles assigned to women.
Redefining language
Language is a living thing, and words evolve over time. With that in mind, family educator Pri dos Santos, creator of the Somos Madrastras community, launched a petition on Change.org in 2024 to revise the meaning of a word that, in her view, has carried negative connotations for far too long.
It is interesting how this connotation varies from one language to another. From Spanish’s madrastridad to the affectionate belle-mère or “beautiful mother” in French, to the more neutral “stepmother” in English and German (stepmother and Stiefmutter). In Arabic, it’s the descriptive “father’s wife” (zawjat al-ab); while in Japanese, there’s a more positive sense “stepmother” (keibo), as the role continues to be seen through many different lenses.
What, then, is the real role that stepmothers play in modern family structures? The Ser Madrastra project, launched in 2018 by Berta Capdevilla and Aina Buforn, seeks to highlight how the role can be emotionally demanding and is constantly evolving. “Forming a blended family is a long and exhausting process.” And within that process, they note, “the role of the stepmother is the most stressful of all.”
More than 7,000 stepmothers have joined their initiative, and they have declared June 9 as Stepmothers’ Day.
As noted, there has been little psychological research on the role of stepmothers and stepfathers in blended families. Psychologist Isabel Espinar, from Comillas Pontifical University, conducted a study involving 116 stepparents, documenting the stress and psychological strain associated with the role. Another survey, published by MaMagazine in 2024, found that 40% of stepmothers feel unhappy in their relationship with their stepchildren. On average, they rated their happiness at 6.6 out of 10, compared to 9.1 among biological mothers.
Taking the time
Sociologist Elvira Mondragón argues that “being a stepmother is extremely complicated.” She says that because of the persistent stereotype of the stepmother as “the villain,” women in this role often feel they must go above and beyond to fit into a family that already has a history of being “good.” Trying to prove they are good too, it comes “to the point where it takes a toll on their mental and physical health.”
Time is often the only real solution. It is estimated that it takes between four and seven years from the moment a blended family is formed until everyone truly feels like a family.
We owe gratitude for the families they help rebuild
As a society, it seems we have yet to fully acknowledge the essential role that new partners of mothers and fathers play in shaping family life today. We have yet to recognize the love and care they offer. As Dos Santos writes in her petition, redefining what it means to be a stepmother “will not only help dismantle unfair stereotypes, but will also serve to recognize and honor the important work that stepmothers do in our society.“
To the stepmothers who build love without instruction manuals, who live alongside others with mutual respect, who nurture emotional ties through presence and care, we owe gratitude and a lasting place in the emotional memory of the families they help rebuild. Because the kind of love that is chosen every day, the kind that is not given by default, is the most radical kind of all.
