The Real Secret To Parenting? Conscious Neglect

Updated February 2, 2025 at 6:05 p.m.*

BERLIN — A few days ago, my daughter woke up sniffling and coughing, so she stayed at home instead of going to kindergarten. By late morning, though, she decided she felt fine and wanted to do something. Honestly, that wasn’t my problem. She’s old enough to go to her room, dress up her dolls, or entertain herself in other ways. She had had breakfast, and lunch wouldn’t be for another three hours. I figured she’d survive without my undivided attention.

Our house is completely childproof, so I decided to — lovingly, but consciously — neglect her.

Instead, I got to work at my laptop.

People often ask how I manage with four kids. Here’s my secret: Most of the time, I don’t pay attention to them. And I don’t feel bad about it — it just happens to be the only way that works.

My children know the deal with my job. If they need something during the week, they keep it short and to the point because they know nagging won’t work. Sometimes, they negotiate: two hours of uninterrupted work time in exchange for an hour on their phones, or PlayStation, or a mix of both.

While they’re busy, I’m locked in my office, my noise-canceling headphones on, only stepping out briefly to grab snacks. Occasionally, I’ll send the older kids shopping and give them enough money to buy a kebab on the way back, that way they’re gone even longer.

As cold and irresponsible as this might sound, I have to neglect them — it’s actually for their own good. Three principal reasons help explain the case for ignoring my kids:

1. Financial independence sets you free

Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen countless moms on social media proudly sharing how much time they’ve carved out for their kids. Some say they’ve cut back on working hours so they can savor those so-called “little moments” with their children.

I’d love to do that, too, but it’s not always possible. Some moms simply have to work to earn money for the basics. Others want to work — and shouldn’t be judged for it.

These women work through kindergarten summer parties, school parent evenings, or even their child’s second birthday. They work through math tests and moments that others deem “sacred.” Instead of calling them bad mothers, we should celebrate them: Women who have a career — not just any job, but one they love; women who are able to support themselves and their children without having to rely on financial “helpers” who can then dictate how they should live. These are my heroes, and I strive to be like them, even at the expense of some personal time.

2. Children need the chance to fend for themselves

When my youngest daughter was born, she already had three siblings. From the get-go, she had to learn that I wasn’t there just for her. When I came home from the hospital with her, her siblings were all sick with the flu — throwing up into buckets or shivering in bed. I juggled making chamomile tea for them while the baby napped. And before you ask: Yes, my partner also did that, and then some.

I had to let her be — and hope she’d grow up self-reliant because of it.

Situations like this happened over and over again, and taught me that we can only live our lives if we “neglect” the youngest sometimes, just like the older ones.

To my surprise, my daughter often fell asleep on her own, and by the time she was one year old, she was crawling up and down the stairs in our house. She never fell, not even once. I let her do her thing and learned that my fears, which I’d clung to with my first children, had been completely overblown.

With my older kids, I used baby gates, playpens, and bouncy seats to keep them safe and entertained. But it was my youngest who taught me to relax. Sure, I’d have loved to escort her up and down the stairs every time, but it just wasn’t feasible. I couldn’t tutor the older kids in English and Latin while hovering over the baby every second. I had to let her be — and hope she’d grow up self-reliant because of it.

3. Adults shouldn’t act like children

U.S. author Pamela Druckerman wrote in Bringing Up Bébé that kids need to understand the adult world, which means parents shouldn’t behave like children. That resonated with me. I’ve always avoided baby talk or pretending I have all day to play. I need to make phone calls, cook dinner, get work done. That’s why, when my kids argue or get too loud, I lock myself away with my laptop and let them sort it out.

And you know what? Most things tend to resolve themselves when you let go.

I forced myself to trust that things would be okay.

“But he hit me first!” my 10-year-old daughter moans almost on a daily basis. I ignore her.

“She took my pen, she’s so annoying!” my 13-year-old son protests. I ignore him, too.

Then there’s my five-year-old, who scribbles on the walls. I’ve trained myself to wait until evening to clean it up. Over the years, I’ve learned to tidy the house just once a day. It’s taken serious self-discipline, because I love order. I hate finding apple cores in the sofa or potato chips crushed on our cream-colored cushions. But I didn’t spend seven years studying and two decades working to spend my days cleaning up after four kids.

Safer than ever

I’ve also learned to be disciplined when it comes to ignoring my biggest worries. For example, when my oldest daughter rides her bike to school, I try not to stress about whether she’ll arrive safely. Or when my teenage son heads off to activities or to a friend’s house, I resist the urge to drive him or order him a taxi.

I’d love to wrap them in bubble wrap, especially when they’re navigating public transport in the dark in the middle of winter. My son once told me he’d seen people dealing drugs on the train. That scared me, but I forced myself to trust that things would be okay.

After all, kids today are safer than ever. Accident rates have been dropping for years.

Letting go, step by step

Society often fuels maternal guilt. According to Paul Renfro, a historian at Florida State University, working moms in the U.S. were deliberately undermined by media in the 1960s and 1970s, as more women became financially independent and started to rely more on childcare services.

This narrative — that women who work neglect their children — still lingers today, suggesting that only traditional nuclear families can truly protect kids. But I try not to let it drive me crazy. My kids are growing up fast; they need me less and less with each passing day.

I was recently getting ready for a work event, and my oldest daughter watched as I put some makeup on. “When I grow up, I want to go out as often as you do,” she told me. And you know what? If that’s what she remembers about me, I’ll take it.

*Originally published February 2, 2025 this article was updated February 11, 2025 with multimedia content.