PARIS — November 2024. Isabelle is looking after her 3-month-old grandson while her son and daughter-in-law treat themselves to a night out at a restaurant. Before leaving, her daughter-in-law lists the detailed plan for Gabriel’s bedtime ritual.
At 6:30 p.m., run the bath at 37.5 °C. At 6:35 p.m., time for the bath. Ten minutes later, take him out, dry him and then at 7:00 p.m., it’s mealtime. At 7:30 p.m., give him the baby bottle on the armchair in his room, with a night light and noises that simulate the heartbeat in utero — called white noise. Finally, change his diaper one last time, put him in his baby sleeping bag and off to bed at exactly 7:45 p.m.
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While her son, anxious not to miss their reservation, looks at his watch, Isabelle remains frozen, trying to maintain an attentive gaze. But in reality, she is no longer listening. Only one thought crosses her mind: “But… Why are they making life so complicated for themselves?”
A serious generation gap
Marie* and Philippe*, who are grandparents of three — soon to be four — grandchildren, have not only had this thought, they have actually expressed their perplexity and paid the price. During the end-of-year holidays, a simple piece of advice — suggesting that the children put on a bathrobe after their bath to prevent them from catching a cold — was enough to trigger a family storm.
“My daughter-in-law called my wife and I together to explain to us that we should not say out loud what we thought… or even think it at all,” says Philippe, who’s still scarred by the violence of the scene.
Because of all the arguments, I only see my grandson once or twice a year.
The heated discussion left a bitter taste, revealing, they say, the growing gap between two conceptions of education. “I see my children spend hours explaining their decisions to their little ones. The child cries, and they ask him: Why do you feel that way? What color is your emotion? Then they apologize because it took them so long to serve him his meal! I watch them get exhausted… It doesn’t make any sense,” Marie says. She wonders, “What did we do wrong in their education for them to choose another path?”
We have collected many similar testimonies following our call for input on the issue of the grandparents’ role in education. Some of them, like Marie, oscillate between incomprehension and annoyance; others, like Anne*, say they are deeply unhappy. “Because of all the arguments about these things, I only see my grandson once or twice a year,” Anne says. “And always under the control of my son and daughter-in-law.”
Implicit rules
Marie knows she is not the only one to experience this kind of situation. “Fortunately, we grandparents talk about it among ourselves, like in support groups. It helps to put things into perspective,” she says with a hint of irony.
But the 60-year-old is annoyed to see these new educational methods, which are often fueled by the advice of influencers or online experts, take up so much space in her children’s lives. “I remember when my daughter-in-law was breastfeeding, she watched videos on social media to learn how to carry her baby. They listen to these new experts, but we can’t say anything.”
These misunderstandings are also seen in psychologists’ offices. Myriam Cassen, a clinical psychologist, believes that positive education, while it can be beneficial, is often misunderstood by parents and consequently, poorly applied. Positive education favors an approach based on kindness, listening and encouragement, rather than punishment or strict authority. It draws on advances in neuroscience, developmental psychology and attachment theories to offer an educational framework adapted to a child’s needs and pace.
We end up talking only to people who think like us.
Yet Myriam Cassen has noticed some deviations. “We also see, in consultations, very young children — 2 or 3 years old — who are totally disoriented by a lack of a clear framework. Some parents speak to them as if they had a mature 30-year-old brain. But a child needs limits: It is not up to them to decide what time they go to bed or what they eat,” the clinical psychologist says.
Watered down “positive education”
In an interview with Le Figaro, Gérard Neyrand, a family sociologist, explained that the popularization of positive education through the media and social networks tends to remove the notion of prohibitions. “Spread by parenting coaches, this watered-down version can drift toward a certain permissiveness, thus reinforcing parents’ uncertainty about the best way to be ‘good parents,’” Neyrand says.
For Myriam Cassen, the uneasiness goes further. “What is crazy is that one generation refrains from saying what it thinks to another. Sometimes it can even be compared to a form of intellectual dictatorship, where any divergent opinion is perceived as an aggression.” A trend that she has also noticed on social networks. “Expressing a difference is often seen as an attack on the sensibilities of others. As a result, we end up talking only to people who think like us, as if in front of a mirror,” Cassem says.
These generational frictions are not only a matter of personal feelings. In an article entitled “Young parents in turmoil,” Marion Manier, a sociologist and research officer at the Family Allocations Office, explains that tensions with grandparents often touch upon educational practices, but also remarks or advice that, under the guise of kindness, turn out to be indirect criticism. These dynamics, adds the sociologist, reinforce the feeling of guilt of young parents, especially mothers, who are already the focus of multiple contradictory expectations.
Role of algorithms
While Marie and Philippe acknowledge that they could take a step toward their children, they do not understand why these young parents categorically refuse to receive their knowledge. In her article, Marion Manier sheds light on this evolution. According to the sociologist, young parents, particularly those from wealthy and educated backgrounds, now favor self-information and personal research to answer their questions about parenthood.
Today, these new parents have multiple interlocutors: first in the health sector — as soon as the pregnancy with the seven childbirth preparation sessions and monitoring by midwives — but also on social media, where podcasts, apps and other personalized content are multiplying.
I want to build a close relationship, without renouncing to the necessary limits.
The algorithms, which are becoming increasingly precise, immediately detect whether you are pregnant, a young parent, at what stage you are… and even if you like wooden toys. Faced with this abundance of information, grandparents’ knowledge is sometimes considered outdated or unsuitable, and young parents do not hesitate to sort through it.
There are also those who build themselves in opposition to their own education. Thomas, 33, father of two young children, embodies this generation. As the youngest of seven siblings and the son of a military father, he grew up in a strict environment, where there wasn’t much space for complicity. With his wife, he chose a different approach. “I want to listen to my children and build a close relationship, without renouncing to the necessary limits,” Thomas explains.
No space for differences
Yet this method does not really please his parents, who believe that everyone should have their own place: Children eat dinner before adults and are not necessarily welcome in certain rooms. Thomas remembers several significant moments. One evening, while he was leaving his children with his parents for an evening, he took the time to explain to his daughter that they were going to leave, but that they would come back later. The little girl felt worried and cried. “Why did you tell her that? She was playing quietly. We would have told her later!” Thomas’ father told him, annoyed.
Grandparents and parents share a common goal.
These tensions, which made Thomas very anxious during family gatherings, led him to question the education that he and his wife give to their children. “I wondered if I was completely wrong. When I see my parents, who raised seven children, I wonder how they would have done it, with our modern approach. But in the end, my wife and I took a step back, and we know that this method suits us, even if it takes more time.”
For him, building a relationship of trust and complicity with his son and daughter remains the priority, even if it means experiencing a few conflicts with his own parents. Yet he says he doesn’t pay attention to the diktats of social media. “It’s hard enough as it is, I’m not going to add another burden for myself!”
“My daughter-in-law is always right!”
While grandparents and parents sometimes struggle to understand one another, some seek solutions to ease tensions. Christine*, a young retiree from the West of Paris, applies the famous “3 C” rule: no advice [“conseil” in French], no criticism, only compliments. Brigitte*, from Paris, sticks to a simple mantra: “My daughter-in-law is always right.”
Other grandparents told us that they had accepted that their role was not to educate their grandchildren but to enjoy the pleasant moments, leaving the parents to manage daily life. Many also said that tensions ease naturally after the arrival of the first child, once the roles are better defined.
Clinical psychologist Myriam Cassen offers advice for harmonizing intergenerational relationships. “For grandparents: adopt a supportive stance, avoid judging the parents’ choices and focus on the moments shared with your grandchildren. For parents: recognize the grandparents’ involvement, without perceiving every piece of advice as criticism.” Ultimately, grandparents and parents share a common goal: to provide a loving and enriching environment for children.
*Names have been changed.
