HAMBURG — Back in 2010, then German Chancellor Angela Merkel stepped into male territory at a nuclear summit in Washington, D.C. Not just because she was one of the few women among the 47 heads of state and government present, but because she made a gesture typically associated with men: She patted then U.S. President Barack Obama on the shoulder.
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The back pat is usually a guy thing. That’s what gender researchers at the University of California say after studying how men and women communicate nonverbally. And it’s what some readers told us in response to our survey on masculine behavior in the workplace.
“The first thing that comes to mind is the pat on the back,” wrote one respondent. “I’ve never experienced that from women, and I wouldn’t expect it either.” It’s a buddy gesture, a show of camaraderie between allies. Women are rarely part of that circle.
Clumsy attempts
Men tend to support other men, and countless studies back that up. The old boys’ clubs are still around, those informal networks where men bond over football games and barbecue. Women, on the other hand, hesitate to exploit their relationships in the same way. They’re more reluctant to use networks to their advantage. They’re less likely to have friendly, informal ties with colleagues, and pats on the back are almost unheard of. That may be noble, but it also shuts them out of the informal relationships and insider knowledge that can make or break a career.
Men tend to step in and help when they see a clear personal gain. Women behave differently.
There’s something awkward about a pat on the back. It’s a clumsy attempt to show emotion when you’re not sure how. It’s the level of physical contact that even the most touch-averse people can usually handle. It’s a comfort zone for insecure men, a safe gesture that won’t be misread. You really can’t go wrong with it, and it doesn’t ask much from the person giving it: just a quick, casual tap. And once you’ve done it, you don’t have to follow up with anything more.
Men tend to step in and help when they see a clear personal gain. Women behave differently. They’re more empathetic and focused on outcomes. After all, a pat on the back doesn’t actually solve anything. Or does it?
Encouragement for success
That’s exactly what researchers at the University of Basel set out to examine. They analyzed 835 free throws in women’s basketball. The pressure during a free throw is similar to that of a penalty kick in soccer. What the data showed was that when the players received physical encouragement beforehand, like a pat on the back, they were more likely to score. The effect was especially noticeable after a missed shot, when the pressure was even higher. “The gesture is particularly helpful when stress levels are already elevated,” the study found.
But that kind of support only works when it’s genuine. “We humans are good at sensing when someone’s not being sincere, when emotions are being faked,” says Christiane Büttner, the study’s lead researcher.
Or when the gesture is done for the wrong reasons. Because a pat on the back also carries a power dynamic. That’s the nature of patriarchal gestures: They’re reserved for insiders. With a back pat, it goes even further. One of the most iconic and cryptic examples comes from Don Vito Corleone in The Godfather. His back pats weren’t about friendship but control. After a successful hit, he’d silently tap a man on the shoulder — not just as praise, but as a reminder of who had the authority to pass judgment. His pat set the pecking order, the social structure.
About belonging
Things may not be quite so mafia-like in office break rooms and board meetings, but the way people give and receive pats on the back still says a lot about who belongs and who doesn’t. It signals friendship, solidarity. It reinforces a sense of belonging, which is crucial for professional success. That’s why athletes and politicians love to pat each other on the back during election campaigns. It sends a message of respect and closeness.
It was the same with Merkel’s hand on Obama’s shoulder. Whether she realized it or not, she understood something important: Anyone who doesn’t dare to reach for Obama’s shoulder misses out on all the powerful things such a small gesture can bring.
What’s acceptable for men is often seen as inappropriate for women.
“A show of friendship,” journalists wrote at the time. And that’s exactly what was needed in 2010, during the financial crisis and the wars in Afghanistan and Libya. That quick pat symbolized transatlantic solidarity, the idea that the two of them would face those crises together. A gesture that didn’t need many words but spoke volumes.
Body language double standard
When people talk about patting someone on the back, it’s often framed as something you could skip. As if it’s the cheapest, most meaningless way to recognize someone’s work. But women often don’t even get that — along with all the benefits that come with it. They rarely get patted on the back (it might be misinterpreted), and they rarely do the patting (it might seem unprofessional). Like so many issues with body language, it’s a double standard: What’s acceptable for men is often seen as inappropriate for women.
That doesn’t have to be the case, at least not among women. The working world is already hard enough for them, and real equality takes a lot more than a back pat. But it might be a good place to start. Especially in a workplace where women traditionally have less access to power structures, this small gesture could help them feel more included.
Christian Klein, CEO of the German multinational software company SAP, once said, “If everyone pats each other on the back, it doesn’t help anyone.” Maybe it doesn’t solve problems or get things done. But if only men are patting each other on the back, then it’s even less effective.
