HAMBURG — As a couple, Martin and Kerstin Honig are a rarity. Not only because Martin took his wife’s last name when they married (something only 8% percent of German men do), but because he grew up in Quedlinburg, Saxony-Anhalt, while Kerstin was raised near Bielefeld in North Rhine-Westphalia. This means that they belong to the small minority of East-West couples in Germany.
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Of all the couples in the country, only one in 20 is an East-West couple, even though there is no longer a physical border within Germany. This comes from the latest data in the Socio-Economic Panel (SOEP), a large-scale population survey that includes both married and cohabiting couples.
To be fair, the proportion of East-West couples has grown from 3.3% in 2010 to 5.3% over the past seven years. But that is still a small number, especially when you consider that in 1989 and 1990 alone, 800,000 people moved from East to West.
So why, 35 years after the fall of the Berlin Wall and German reunification, does an invisible wall still seem to keep people apart romantically?
No breadwinner in the East
When the wall fell, Martin Honig was just one and a half years old, starting kindergarten in East Germany (the German Democratic Republic or GRD). Kerstin wasn’t even born yet — she came into the world two years after reunification. She later studied music in Göttingen but eventually switched to business administration, completing her master’s in Cologne.
Martin also left Quedlinburg right after finishing high school. He started an apprenticeship as an industrial clerk in Cologne and later earned a business degree while working full-time.
It was in Cologne, where both were living and working, that they met on a popular dating platform in 2018. They knew where the other was from after their first meeting, but, as Kerstin says, “That didn’t play a role at all.” Six years later, they’re still together and became parents in February.
In the first decade after reunification, about 80% of East-West couples featured an East German woman and a West German man.
In the GDR, 90% of women worked full-time.
“That was mainly because industries dominated by women, like textiles, had disappeared entirely in the East,” explains Sylka Scholz, a sociologist from Friedrich Schiller University in Jena. Scholz’s research focuses on masculinity and gender stereotypes in East and West Germany. Over time, the ratio has evened out, and now about 40% of East-West couples involve an East German man with a West German woman — just like the Honigs.
Even today, men and women in the East and West often live very different lives, says Scholz. “In the GDR, 90% of women worked full-time.” By contrast, in West Germany, women were typically responsible for childcare and housework and often worked part-time.
This traditional family model was encouraged by the West German state. Even now, 71% of families with children in the West follow a “breadwinner model,” where the mother initially stays home full-time and later works part-time. In the East, only 43% of families stick to this setup.
Fewer marriage certificates
Sociologists have a theory that East German men found it harder to date West German women. Traditional gender roles meant West German women were more likely to choose partners with higher social status. After the fall of the wall, East German men had to work their way up the West German professional ladder — something made harder because their qualifications, training and work experience often didn’t count in the newly reunified Germany.
Sociologist Wiebke Rösler explores this in her work on East-West German partner selection. She also notes that East German men were less inclined to engage in “self-staging,” a social skill crucial in West Germany’s competitive culture but less valued in the planned economy of the East.
Interestingly, the low number of East-West couples isn’t just due to partner preferences. SOEP data also shows that these relationships have a “higher risk of separation.” This doesn’t mean they’re less harmonious; it’s simply that East-West couples are less likely to marry compared to East-East or West-West couples.
Different origins, different possibilities
For Martin and Kerstin Honig, however, their relationship feels like they’ve found their perfect match. In six years together, they say they’ve rarely had serious disagreements. “I think it works so well because we had similar ideas about our future from the very beginning,” says Kerstin. After just a few dates, they were officially a couple.
It was only when they visited each other’s families that the East-West divide came into focus.
“As soon as you’re back home, the East-West issue comes up pretty quickly,” Martin admits. Although he feels more like a Cologne local these days, he knows the East-West divide has shaped his life. For Kerstin, it was a new experience.
“I hadn’t really thought in these terms before,” she says. “It wasn’t something we discussed at home.”
For Martin’s parents — and many of their generation — the GDR is still very present in their memories, mostly in a positive light. When Kerstin first visited Martin’s family, his parents talked about life in the GDR “for quite a while,” Martin recalls. They even highlighted things like better welfare for pregnant women and the accessible childcare they would get back then.
Kerstin will inherit, Martin will not
Their family visits also revealed how differently they grew up. Martin’s parents both worked full-time — his mother as a teacher, his father as a bricklayer — while Kerstin’s mother stayed home when her three children were young. Kerstin’s parents had already inherited a house, whereas Martin’s parents always lived in rented housing. Kerstin knows she’ll inherit; Martin knows he won’t.
Still, these differences didn’t drive them apart. In fact, they seem to have drawn similar lessons for their own lives. “My mom regrets giving up her job, and that’s something I want to avoid,” Kerstin says.
At the same time, Martin remembers how much his mother juggled, managing the house and raising kids alongside her full-time job. “I’m pretty sure my dad still doesn’t know how to use a washing machine,” he jokes.
Even here in Cologne, people can be skeptical.
Martin is determined to be a hands-on dad. Having run his own household since he was 19, he’s already comfortable with chores. Before their son was born, he and Kerstin earned roughly the same amount. In 2021, they bought a home in the Cologne area, saving up and paying for it entirely on their own — no help from their parents.
Their son will start daycare when he’s one and a half years old. Martin plans to take parental leave to help him settle in, and then both parents will return to part-time work. “Even here in Cologne, people can be skeptical,” says Kerstin. “They’ll say it’s way too early to put a one-year-old in daycare.” But for the Honigs, it was a no-brainer.
“We both need to work to pay off the house,” Martin explains.
East-West couples therapy
Psychologists Clemens and Nadja von Saldern, who run a practice in Brandenburg, frequently counsel East-West couples. These include people raised in the GDR and those who grew up after reunification. “The more different a couple’s traditional values, the more they have to negotiate,” says Clemens. East-West couples often have to forge their own roles rather than follow familiar patterns.
He notes that East partners are often more reserved and can be quicker to feel suspicious — an understandable trait for those who grew up in a society where you had to watch what you said. Material differences also come into play.
“One partner might have inherited a house while the other knows they’ll never inherit anything,” Clemens explains. “That can make it harder to see each other as equals.”
What matters most for East-West couples, he says, is addressing “the wounds left by the transformation process,” such as job losses or expropriations. East partners often feel these experiences aren’t fully acknowledged, while West partners may lack the knowledge or empathy to understand them.
The East-West division feels like a story from a long time ago — until election season rolls around.
Clemens advises couples to take their differences seriously and invest time in understanding each other’s backgrounds. “Tell your story, ask questions, and keep digging deeper,” he says.
In the everyday life of the Honig family, in the small house on the outskirts of Cologne, the division between East and West feels like a story from a long time ago — until election season rolls around. This autumn, three East German states held elections, with the far-right AfD party taking about 30% of the vote in each.
On Sunday evening, as they sat on the couch analyzing the results, Kerstin felt frustrated and shocked. For Martin, it wasn’t unforeseen. “That’s where I come from, I am not surprised,” he says. He knows the people who vote that way and remembers how, as a teenager in Quedlinburg, it was common to see young men with shaved heads and combat boots. “But emotionally, it hits me very hard,” he admits.
