PARIS — They loved each other dearly, but they won’t grow old together. They’ve spent decades side by side, often raising children, building assets, enduring setbacks, overcoming trials and tribulations. And then, one day, on the brink of retirement, that love faded. According to a 2021 study by the French Institute for Demographic Studies (Ined), the proportion of divorces involving women over 50 has tripled in 20 years, jumping from 11% in 1996 to 29% in 2016. For men, it rose from 17% to 38%. Separations between couples aged 60 and over have also tripled, to 10% of the total.
“The ‘gray divorce’ marks a cultural shift,” explains sociologist Serge Guérin, a specialist in ageing-related issues. “It reveals a desire to build a new version of oneself — to live better, not just longer.”
Far from being “perceived as a failure,” what is now known as “gray divorce” — a reference to graying hair — once a rare occurrence, has become “a normal turning point in the lives of many French people,” notes a survey by the Disons Demain dating site for people over the age of 50.
Divorce is no longer an epilogue but the beginning of a second act: The decision is made “clear headedly, with sense and without restraint,” says Clarisse Blanc, spokeswoman for Match Group, which operates a large number of online dating services. “Almost a stage of self-fulfillment! At a time when society is still struggling to change its view of the elderly in love, the over-50s are a powerful reminder that love, like freedom, is ageless. It’s a phenomenon that is growing in a society where life expectancy is increasing, gender roles are changing, and individuals are increasingly allowing themselves to prioritize personal fulfillment, even beyond the traditional model of the lifelong couple.”
Why is this? “First of all, there are more seniors in society: the over-65s now account for more than 22% of the total population, compared with 14% in 1990,” Guérin points out (1). “Life expectancy, too, has risen considerably: from 46 in 1900 to 83 today. And, increasingly, in good health! With 20 or 30 years still ahead of them when they retire, these generations no longer look to the future in the same way as their parents or grandparents. They want to invest fully in this last part of their lives, they want to change the assumptions associated with their age, and they want to allow themselves a change of perspective.”
Not old enough to retire, but old enough to be well-balanced
With his tall, athletic figure, chestnut brown hair and tanned complexion, Claude doesn’t look a day over 65. “My last partner, a doctor 17 years younger than me, was probably afraid one day she’d have to push me into a wheelchair,” laughs this company director, who’s currently in search of a new soulmate. “But it’s possible to be graying and start a business, while taking very good care of your youngest child, aged 9. I’ve just launched a start-up, I’ve got lots of passions, I exercise, and I feel extremely out of touch because I can’t see myself at the age I am. I’m not old enough to retire, but I’m well-balanced — probably more so than my ex — and I’ve still got lots of projects!”
After children leave the family nest, the transition to retirement can be a turning point conducive to break-ups, Guérin says “as spouses find themselves face-to-face all day, and each has to reinvent themselves.” As during the COVID-19 pandemic, this sudden and constant proximity can reveal differences, amplify certain shortcomings, generate disputes and make couples question their marriages. “But it’s also, and above all, because we give ourselves more freedom than before,” he adds. “There’s less social pressure, more financial autonomy for women, and more opportunities to meet another partner. And then there are the people who, in their 50s, discover their homosexuality…”
Make the most of the next 10 or 15 years left
Thirty years ago, Michelle Dayan, a Paris-based lawyer specializing in family law, would only come across “gray divorces” on rare occasions. “Until the 2010s, my clients came to me with childcare issues, career changes and new organization,” she reports. “Today, more and more of my customers are spirited grandparents whose futures no longer only involve Wednesdays spent with their grandchildren.”
In her book (2), Dayan tells the story of Joël, 68, married to Claudine for 42 years. “He had a minor heart attack six months ago, which not only made him realize that his heart could stop, but that he hadn’t felt it beating for Claudine for a long time,” the lawyer says. “Joël was bored with her: He wanted to travel, to realize his dream of sailing for weeks on end in the Mediterranean, while Claudine’s four cardinal points were her grandchildren. He wanted to divorce her and enjoy the 10 or 15 years he had left, but was wracked with guilt, especially toward his children. In the end, Claudine was understanding, and accepted the divorce after resisting slightly, more for their sake than for hers.”
Enjoying freedom
Now marketing targets, just like younger women, “older women are no longer excluded from consumer society, which makes them desirable subjects,” Dayan notes. “Even Sharon Stone publicly admits to having registered on a dating site. Feeling wanted again, they’re rediscovering the possibility of a life of desire.”
Fear of missing out and economic insecurity no longer seem to be an issue for married women when they reach that age when times starts to count.
Take Martha for example, who, at 68, had been married to her husband Gérard for 48 years, and had devoted her life to him and their four children. “She explained to me that she once knew an active man who came home late at night,” the lawyer recalls. “For the past two years, he’s been at home all day, most of the time on his tablet. He annoyed her, was reluctant to go to the theater together, to travel.” Despite her modest pension, Martha was happy to enjoy the freedom of a two-room apartment; she had felt locked up in her big house with her husband.
Alone? No. “Free,” say most divorced women today. “Fear of missing out and economic insecurity no longer seem to be an issue for married women when they reach that age when times starts to count,” Dayan says. “For Martha, as for others, the future is now, and they live intensely in the present — the best antidote to future anxiety.”
Sandrine, 58, shares this view, having taken the initiative to divorce two years ago after a 14 union: “What made me decide was that I was immobilized for five months after breaking my ankle,” she says. “I suffered physically and psychologically, because I realized that my husband took absolutely no care of me, whereas I had always been very attentive to him. He took it very badly, but it was a relief for me; I longed to finally take care of myself and my daughter. I went through a bit of a crazy period, and it did me good to see that I could still please people, despite my husband’s remarks about my being overweight. Now I’m looking for something more serious, but I’ll wait as long as it takes… As for my husband, it only took him two months to find a new wife to manage his household!”
More women are taking the initiative
Women are no longer afraid to be alone, and increasing numbers of them — three quarters of divorces have already been granted at their request — are taking the initiative, even at the age of 70.
“I’ve been seeing a lot of them over the past 10 years, with an acceleration in the last five,” Dayan says. “For some, it’s a second wind of love that propels them, sometimes with a man younger than they are — something you would never see ten years ago. For others, it’s the desire to live a better life for the next two decades, as self-assured single women. The wind of freedom that is blowing today’s young women away from ancestral decrees is also blowing on their mothers.”
In general, “women leave for their freedom, men for another home,” the lawyer explains.
In the process of getting a divorce, after 23 years of marriage, Bernard is already “laying the groundwork to find someone for the second half of [his] life.”
“We simply didn’t get on any more, we didn’t see life in the same way,” this elegant 56-year-old executive explains. “But I stayed another six years after discovering she was disloyal… I didn’t have the courage, and I didn’t want to lose my bond with my teenage children. I gave them priority and I have absolutely no regrets.” Officially separated “since May 30,” Bernard joined the Disons Demain dating site two days later. “I went for it, certainly for fear of feeling empty,” he smiles. “It’s not easy being on your own at 56.”
The mourning of the idealized couple
Do grown children of divorce suffer less, because they are adults, than the younger ones? Dayan recalls this “lawyer’s joke”: “Two spouses over 95, married for 70 years, go to see a lawyer to divorce. After listening to them, the lawyer asks them the question that’s been burning in his mind: ‘Why now?’ The woman replies, ‘We waited until the children were dead.’”
Love stories between retirees are flourishing, even in senior living facilities.
“It’s the adult children who seem to suffer most from their parents’ divorce,” Dayan says. “Mourning the loss of their normal family and their idolized image of a couple shatters childhood certainties. They often fear the prospect of their parents no longer caring for their grandchildren, and of having to look after the one whom the separation did not benefit, and possibly carry their financial burden. They may also be concerned about their future inheritance, especially when faced with the possibility of one or both parents remarrying.”
While “love stories between retirees are flourishing, even in senior living facilities,” Guérin says, “we’re seeing that, after 50, partners are increasingly choosing to live in their own homes.”
“Blended families can generate a lot of tension, and they don’t want to have to go through all those constraints again,” he explains. “So we choose to take only the good things about being a couple: We see each other every other week, or mainly for moments of relaxation or vacations.”
That is exactly what Delphine has in mind. “In the three years I’ve been on my own,” explains this bubbly 50-something, “my objective has changed. I’ve found such a balance between my children and my friends that the man I meet truly has to be worth it for me to get into a relationship. We’ll do great things together, but we’ll leave each other some space. With maturity, we now know what we want and also what we don’t.”
