How I Discovered That My Friend Was Not Just A Feminist, But Also A Narcissist

-Essay-

BILBAO — You’ve probably read a few articles, listened to a few podcasts or watched a few reels listing the dangers of falling into the hands of a partner with narcissistic traits or about “red flags” to spot it before it’s too late. However, you may not have found as many resources when it comes to spotting these behavior patterns in a friendship. Even less if that friendship is between two women, and even less if it is between two feminist friends.

That’s why I want to tell you my story. Because if you have had the misfortune of crossing paths and becoming friends with a person with narcissistic traits, maybe you have not yet fully understood what you have experienced. Because if you are still in that relationship, maybe you feel that something is not right but you are not able to sort your ideas and put the story together.

Because maybe your story is similar to mine.

The honeymoon

When she approached you for the first time, her eyes were shining with excitement. She listened to you attentively, showered you with compliments and attentions. Almost from minute one, she made you feel that you were one of the most important people in her life, that your sensibility and your listening made her feel understood as never before. That your ability to empathize meant that your pieces of advice were always the most accurate.

But she also saw other qualities within you. Qualities that made you unique, special. Qualities that even you didn’t know you had.

How can you be so good at this, you are a genius, wow, how good you are at this, what a skill you have for that. It is possible that this and that are tasks or activities that you don’t really enjoy doing, but of course, how can you stop doing them if it turns out that you are so good at them? It may even happen that this or that, in the case of cohabitation, are just the tasks that she likes the least.

That continuous torrent of flattery blurs your mind to the point that you soon start to try to balance things out. For that, you have to identify and magnify her own aptitudes. And you find them, of course you find them. And you praise them, indeed you praise them. They are usually aptitudes that she herself brings out in a veiled way, almost always from the very false humility of downplaying their importance, their value.

She uses the unconditional love you already have for her to her own benefit.

So you soon find yourself putting all your efforts into reinforcing them, in asserting and reasserting goodness that you will not only believe to the letter, but that you will yourself build on such a solid foundation that you will never need to reevaluate them again. You have carved her qualities in stone.

Coincidentally, those qualities usually include character traits. She says nice things to you all the time. She always remembers what you share with her and then remembers to ask you questions. She is interested in your worries and discomforts. She does not mind not being the protagonist of the conversation, quite the contrary. She suggests plans that suit your tastes and interests. How lucky you are to have found her.

The switch

That’s when she — who is actually the one in control — switches to the next screen and starts to play the most perverse game. At that exact point when you have already convinced yourself that she is a genius, that she is skilled and empathetic and caring. That she is a good friend.

Such a good friend that, when she doesn’t keep a commitment she had with you, when she doesn’t show up for an appointment that was so important to you, or when she simply takes advantage and uses the unconditional love you already have for her to her own benefit, you search and search until you find a reason to excuse her. The first few times, you will find them without much effort, she will help you by giving you long explanations, each time a little more and more bizarre. But always long, very long. And always highlighting all the difficulties she has had and has to face, which automatically places you in the only possible position: that of being understanding and, above all, that of overlooking your own needs, of underestimating your time or your dedication, because she is really overwhelmed.

The only rational conclusion is that you are such a bad friend.

Such a good friend that, when she speaks to you badly, when one day she responds violently to a limit you have set, you find a way to justify why it happened. And when that same evening you meet another friend, you decide that the best thing to do is not to talk about it because — although you have a lump in your throat — your friend doesn’t know her that well and you don’t want her to get the wrong impression.

Such a good friend that, when you tell her about an exciting project you have in mind where you think you could shine, she never sees it clearly. And she automatically makes you doubt your own criteria. She’s not sure it’s such a good idea, she knows you very well and, by now, it’s clear that she wants the best for you. If you dig a little deeper and get inside her twisted head, it is likely that she only saw in this project a threat to her role as protagonist and her insatiable ego. But you’re still a long way from getting this reading.

The warning signs

At that moment your body may already be sending you clear signals. Without understanding why, when she calls or writes to you, you feel a little sick to your stomach. When she asks you to meet her, you feel laziness, that you would rather postpone it. When you are with her you are tense, you are careful about what things to say, what opinions to express because you don’t want to make her upset, because you don’t want her to look at you again as she did that day when you reproached her for her biphobic comment.

But she is such a good friend that, when she reproaches you for acting strange, that you are no longer the same, that something is wrong with you and that she would like to know if she has done something wrong so she can fix it, you feel such a guilt that you can’t breathe.

And that’s when you disregard all the warning signs and get closer again, closer than ever. Because no matter how hard you look in the gray cloud that occupies your head, you can’t find that she has done anything wrong and the only rational conclusion is that you are such a bad friend that you were starting to distance yourself for no reason.

Luckily, one day, while having tea with that other friend, you comment something incidentally, something that even you are not consciously giving importance to. But that, for whatever reason, comes out of your mouth. And that good friend, instead of letting it go, looks you in the eye and, almost without saying it, validates what you are feeling. She validates that this discomfort you have not yet put into words is real. That all this that is making so much noise, this black cloud in your head that does not allow you to think clearly, is a real symptom.

It is at that precise moment that the door opens so that, with help, love and patience, you can begin to unravel the web of violence, where the person you thought was incapable of hurting you, has been trapping you all this time.