Updated May 15, 2025, at 5:20 p.m.
BERLIN — They feel no joy, they feel no connection to themselves: many women who come to the psychoanalyst Cinzia Capobianco have no idea that their deep sense of emptiness may be linked to a narcissistic mother. The therapist understands these mechanisms and helps the women find themselves again and, in many cases, become better mothers than the ones they had.
DIE ZEIT: You primarily treat women. They come to you with a wide range of concerns. How do you recognize a patient with a narcissistic mother?
Cinzia Capobianco: These women often feel a deep sense of emptiness. They feel neither joy nor dislike, and they cannot identify what fulfills them or defines them. Yet from the outside, many appear to live normal lives, holding jobs, having partners, raising children. Let me read you a note from one of my patient’s files: “Insidious, increasingly severe depressive symptoms with a severe loss of motivation. Feelings of exhaustion. (…) Ms. S. often thinks of her mother, as if she were always beside her, constantly criticizing her. She feels her presence. Occasionally, and without any apparent trigger, she falls into states where she feels completely empty, without inner tension or strength. Her thoughts extinguish. There is nothing left. It is as if someone had turned off the lights.” This is a very typical description, and it often points to a narcissistic mother.
DIE ZEIT: Why is the mother responsible for this?
Capobianco: The decisive difference compared to other types of mothers lies in unconscious manipulation. A narcissistic mother constantly transmits her own ideas and values onto her child. The child, in turn, develops a self that the English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described as a false self: the child becomes someone different from whom they truly are, without even realizing it. The mother is omnipresent, often overpowering, controlling every aspect. She makes it clear to the child that their independent choices are wrong. She says things like, “You will see where you end up,” while also suggesting, “No one will ever love you as much as I do.” In this way, she tricks the child into believing that their choices are actually their mother’s.
DIE ZEIT: In a relationship, we would call that gaslighting.
Capobianco: Exactly. It is the same toxic dynamic. The only difference is that, with a mother, this manipulation starts very early, which means the daughter or son never even has a chance to develop a stable sense of self. That is what makes it so tragic. A person who has been unconsciously manipulated by their mother is much more likely to fail to recognize manipulation in later relationships and struggles to free themselves from it.
A lack of unconditional love
DIE ZEIT: Where does narcissism itself come from?
Capobianco: Psychoanalysts believe that narcissistic personality disorder, like all personality disorders, is an attempt to defend against an unconscious conflict. The behavior is a compensation for certain early developmental deficits.
DIE ZEIT: What kind of deficits?
Capobianco: Every child needs unconditional love, usually from their mother or another primary caregiver. Those with narcissistic personality disorder did not receive this love. The causes vary: illness, war, or perhaps the mother’s own unresolved narcissism. Ultimately, though, the root cause is deprivation, the absence of unconditional maternal love. And unconditional does not mean limitless indulgence. It means love that is stable and independent of the child’s performance. Those who miss out on this develop a grandiose self, an inflated image of themselves and their achievements. They cannot form genuine emotional bonds and need to control everything around them. This also explains why many narcissists are highly successful; they feel they must constantly achieve to validate themselves. At the same time, they are also extremely vulnerable. If they experience a crisis, such as losing a job or a breakup, they often turn to addictive behaviors and have a higher than average risk of suicide. Narcissists usually have an emotionally troubled past, so even if their behavior can be harmful, I do feel a lot of compassion for them.
DIE ZEIT: What specifically characterizes a narcissistic mother?
Capobianco: She is incapable of loving her child unconditionally. She cannot perceive the child as an independent person, but only as an extension of herself. The patient Ms. S. described her mother as immature, ambivalent, perfectionistic, very concerned with her appearance. Some mothers are highly competent and even very committed, often intellectuals, but for them, the child is primarily a project, a means to stabilize their fragile self.
Feelings of emptiness
DIE ZEIT: What does this mean for the child?
Capobianco: If the child does not match the mother’s expectations, they are rejected. Their existence is only tolerated if they serve as a successful extension of the mother. From the outside, everything can look fine. That is why my patients often say in despair, “Nothing bad ever happened to me. I had everything. My mother took care of me. Why do I feel so empty?” This inner emptiness is the tragedy they carry.
A child with an independent will is seen as a threat.
DIE ZEIT: I love taking care of my children closely. Where is the line between healthy and harmful?
Capobianco: In the beginning, a symbiotic relationship is natural. The baby and mother form a unit. But soon, the child needs their own space to grow an independent identity. A healthy mother provides that space, only stepping in when needed. A narcissistic mother cannot let go of the symbiosis. She needs the child to reinforce her own self-worth. A child with an independent will is seen as a threat. So she controls everything, not openly, but through subtle criticism and emotional manipulation. The child adapts, losing touch with their own desires and needs. Over time, this leads to the characteristic emptiness.
DIE ZEIT: Does it make a difference whether the child is a daughter or a son?
Capobianco: Not inherently, but a son can distance himself more easily because he is a boy. A daughter often struggles more because her mother remains her main role model as a woman, a partner, a mother. You see mothers dressing their daughters like little mini-mes. When the daughter grows up and tries to develop her own identity, this creates huge conflict.
DIE ZEIT: What about the father’s role?
Capobianco: The father can be extremely important. If he provides stable support early on, he can counterbalance the mother’s influence. He helps the child separate from the mother long before gender stereotypes start forming. Other people, like a good grandmother or a second mother in same-sex couples, can fulfill this role as well.
DIE ZEIT: So the worst case is a narcissistic single mother with no support network?
Capobianco: Yes. If there is no father, no grandmother, no supportive figure at all, the fixation between mother and child is even stronger. Frustration tolerance among narcissistic personalities is low, and the stress of single parenting only worsens things. That leads to violent outbursts toward the child, often devastating ones.
Selfish and controlling patterns
DIE ZEIT: In puberty, wouldn’t the child naturally break away?
Capobianco: Sadly, not really. These adolescents lack a solid self. They feel immense guilt when they try to distance themselves. The mother remains very involved, saying things like, “You are all I have.” The child struggles to escape emotionally. Without external help, many develop narcissistic traits themselves. If these traits are severe, they may never seek therapy. Those who do are usually the next generations.
DIE ZEIT: Does this affect their future relationships?
Capobianco: Yes, it does. They tend to fall into the same toxic patterns, choosing partners who mirror their mothers: cold, manipulative, or covert narcissists who appear selfless but are equally controlling. Some women avoid relationships entirely, pretending to be independent. Therapy helps make these patterns visible and break them.
Many women come to therapy when they have children, determined not to repeat the pattern.
DIE ZEIT: How does it affect their own motherhood?
Capobianco: Many women come to therapy when they have children, determined not to repeat the pattern. I sometimes ask them to bring their babies to sessions. Watching their interactions tells me a lot. Some mothers constantly direct the child, never letting them just be. Part of therapy is teaching them that giving space is essential. It is not about ignoring the child, but about “holding” them, as Winnicott described, supporting their independence.
DIE ZEIT: Surely this gets harder with teenage daughters.
Capobianco: Absolutely. Accepting that your daughter will dress differently, think differently, and live differently is very hard for these women. But it is essential.
DIE ZEIT: Do not all mothers have a vision of what is best for their child?
Capobianco: Of course. That is normal. But narcissistic mothers need their child’s success to stabilize their own self. That is the difference. British psychoanalyst Herbert Rosenfeld described how hard it is to dismantle narcissistic defenses, even with full awareness that change is needed. He compared narcissistic structures to a mafia gang controlling the mind.
DIE ZEIT: Does understanding the origin of their pain help these women?
Capobianco: It is a start. Understanding can offer some relief. But real healing only happens when they allow themselves to feel the pain, the emptiness, and begin the slow, painful work of filling that void. Freud called it mourning: remembering, repeating, working through. They grieve the love they never received. They have to learn to give that love to themselves. It takes time. Years, often. The pain will come in waves, but eventually, it softens. It is a long, hard road, but it is possible.
*Originally published on May 2, 2025, this article was updated May 19, 2025, with enriched media.