HAMBURG — Whether it’s on TikTok or in a film or TV series, people now seem to be talking openly about sex everywhere. But when it comes to conversations with potential partners, many of us become timid or embarrassed.
One thing is clear: no one should feel uncomfortable during sex. But when is the right moment to talk about boundaries? How do you figure out what you want? And what if you feel bad after sex despite having given consent?
For the latest news & views from every corner of the world, Worldcrunch Today is the only truly international newsletter. Sign up here.
Joris Kern has been leading seminars and workshops on sexual consent for more than 15 years. Kern’s book “Sex, aber richtig?” (Sex, But Properly?) came out two years ago, arguing that good sex is not about performance pressure or strict rules but about curiosity and mutual respect.
Die Zeit: Many people feel insecure when talking about sex. Why is that?
Joris Kern: Sex is where we make ourselves the most vulnerable. It touches our deepest desires and insecurities, so we expose ourselves. On top of that, many people feel pressured to perform during sex. Society reinforces these expectations: you are supposed to be good at sex, to always want sex, and to know exactly what you like — without anyone ever having taught you.
Die Zeit: So do we have to learn again how to sleep with each other?
Kern: More than anything, we need to learn how to let go of stress. Sex is not about showing off skills, but about connecting with another person. Knowing anatomy helps, but it is not what matters most.
The intention behind consent can easily be misunderstood
Die Zeit: What does sexual consent actually mean?
Kern: We come from a culture that believes desire is purely intuitive. It strikes us suddenly, and where there is desire, sex just happens. Along with this comes a gender stereotype: men always want sex, and take it, while women are passive and have to be persuaded. Consent seeks to undo this. Many people think rules are enough to solve it. Before doing anything (touching, kissing, or sexual acts) you ask first. In practice, though, things are usually more complicated.
The meaning of “Yes”
Die Zeit: What is the problem?
Kern: In this model, everything revolves around consent. But a “yes” can mean very different things, ranging from “I really like this” to “I don’t mind.” So the intention behind consent can easily be misunderstood. It should not be about settling for what feels merely “okay,” but about finding something everyone genuinely enjoys. That takes the right mindset, not rigid rules.
Die Zeit: What do you suggest?
Kern: We should treat sexuality as a space to play and learn. That also means approaching consent with more ease. Setting and respecting boundaries is essential, of course — that is the foundation. But I see a trend that troubles me. It is no longer enough just to be good in bed; now you also have to excel at consent. But consent is supposed to be liberating. You do not need to be able to do everything. You can simply ask what the other person likes. And if they do not know, then you explore together what works for both of you.
Die Zeit: How do you start a conversation about sex?
Kern: By daring to be open. That requires a relaxed atmosphere, which you can create by staying calm. If you say naturally, “I am a little unsure about this, do you like it?” you invite the other person to respond openly. You also stay relaxed if someone says: No. How you ask makes a difference. If you only say, “Do you want me to kiss your belly?” the other person cannot tell if you are suggesting it for their sake or because you want it. Instead, you can say, “I really want to kiss your belly. Would you like that too?” That turns the question into an invitation to create something together.
Consent without words
Die Zeit: For some people, sex works best non-verbally. Talking distracts them from feeling. Is that a blind spot?
Kern: Communication can also happen non-verbally. You can ask with a look or a facial expression, just as you can with words. Here, too, the point is the right attitude: not just respecting boundaries, but also discovering preferences together.
Die Zeit: When is the right time to talk about sex?
Kern: Before, during, and after sex. As soon as I notice something is holding me back from enjoying it. Sometimes it helps to voice those thoughts right away. For many people, it is also useful to reflect afterward on what happened. You can ask: “If that was the trial run, what would you want next time and what would you skip?” But it is also good to talk about sex now and then, even when you are not having sex.
Die Zeit: What should you definitely discuss before having sex?
Kern: If you do not know each other at all, you should talk about contraception. Sometimes it is also important to clarify what sex means to each of you. In a one-night stand, it may be important to say in advance that you do not want to exchange phone numbers. It is also very important to check whether the other person is sober, and if not, whether they are capable of making a sound decision. If there are taboo areas or particular desires, those should be discussed too.
No pressure
Die Zeit: What if I don’t even know what I want?
Kern: We often think sex is about knowing whether you prefer practice A, B, or C. In reality, many people do not know what they want sexually. What they may know, however, is that they feel curious about someone and want to be close to that person. You can talk about that, then explore it together in a safe space.
People have sex for many reasons
Die Zeit: How do you make spaces safe?
Kern: That is very individual. It could mean having peace, time or privacy. But personal relationships also play a big role. To figure out what you need, you can ask yourself a few questions: How do I feel free of emotional pressure? What makes me feel at ease? What makes me feel empowered? How can I show someone that I care about their well-being? How can I signal that I am willing to change course again?
Die Zeit: What happens if I feel bad after sex despite having consented?
Kern: People have sex for many reasons. Sometimes you want sex that suits your own preferences, but you also want to please your partner. That is why you may only realize afterward that something went too far. In that case, you should be kind to yourself and think about what you can do differently to be more aware of your boundaries next time.
Die Zeit: What else can we practice to get better at building consensus?
Kern: You can practice talking about sex. Alone, in front of a mirror, or while driving. If you have already spoken about your fantasies, it becomes easier to bring them up during sex. It also helps to reflect on where you struggle with rejection and boundaries. Everyday life is a good place to practice this. Notice whether you manage to say no or to voice your wishes. And if not, ask yourself why that is.
