HAMBURG — Patricia says she’d always wanted children, a family of her own. Her long-term boyfriend when she was in her mid-20s refused to commit, which ended the relationship. It was not the only reason, she admits, but it was a non-negotiable. A few years later, she met Daniel, and they fell in love.
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But he wasn’t ready to take the plunge into parenthood either. Patricia was feeling pressed for time, and wanted to become a mother while she was still young, ideally with her first child before turning 30. When Daniel hesitated, she forced the issue.
“I told him that for me there was no alternative to having a family. Either he agreed or I would leave.” It was an uncomfortable standoff, recalls the now 35-year-old. She loved Daniel and wanted to stay with him. She also knew it could take years to find another partner and build a relationship strong enough to sustain a family.
90% of the load
Daniel eventually agreed, partly. Patricia says he understood how important family was to her and saw how easily she connected with children. Even so, she continued to feel uneasy. After their son was born, Patricia stayed at home. Daniel took two months of parental leave, but from then on Patricia bore most of the childcare, household and organizational responsibilities: “I’d estimate that 90% of the care work fell to me at the time.”
Patricia says they both knew this was not a fair division. “But there was also the sense that I was the one who really wanted the child.” Even so, she stresses, Daniel was thrilled about their son and cared for him with great devotion.
If one partner wanted the child more, the care work frequently ends up falling more heavily on that partner.
When their son turned three, they began to think about having another child. Again Patricia was the driving force: “Most of the kids in our circle were getting siblings, and I didn’t want my son to grow up an only child.” Daniel once more had misgivings, concerned about their finances and whether they had the capacity to manage another child. “He realized how much work it was.”
She was convinced they could manage. “We both worked and earned enough. And with each child, love and affection multiply — at least that was how I felt,” she explains today. The two never really reached agreement. Before the discussion had run its course, Patricia became pregnant.
This time the birth was more complicated than the first. Patricia had to stay in hospital for several days. For the first time, Daniel was left to manage the child and the household on his own. “It was then he realized just how much work it really is,” says Patricia. He had greater respect for her afterwards. Yet once she returned home, they slipped back into old patterns. Patricia admits she is frustrated by the division of responsibilities, and arguments about childcare and household chores are constant.
No real compromises
That Patricia and Daniel reverted to traditional roles after the birth does not surprise couples therapist Hans Georg Lauer. In his practice, he has often seen how an unequal wish for children shapes the later division of labor. “If one partner wanted the child more, the care work frequently ends up falling more heavily on that partner.”
He is also familiar with the bind couples face when one partner wants a child more than the other: “There are no real compromises here. Either you have a child or you don’t,” he says.
Many couples, he explains, try to strike a balance through agreements in which the more eager partner commits to taking on more of the care. “In practice this rarely works,” says Lauer. “Sometimes in a positive way, because the partner who was reluctant at first unexpectedly bonds deeply with the child. Other times negatively, because the partner who pushed hardest does not want to carry the whole burden in the long run.”
Although compromise is impossible when it comes to the basic question of whether to have a child, Lauer stresses that honest, early conversations are crucial. The more partners understand each other’s motives, the easier it is to develop empathy.
Fear of failure
Perhaps one is willing to become a father, but haunted by fear of failure? Perhaps the other craves a family above all because they long for security and belonging? Arguments often spring not only from emotions, but also from concerns about career, financial freedom or independence. “What really helps couples is to reflect on their emotions, experiences, and upbringing when they think about having children.”
Those who grew up in a large, stable family often yearn strongly for children of their own.
According to Lauer, a person’s past is often key: “Those who grew up in a large, stable family often yearn strongly for children of their own. Those with painful childhood experiences tend to be more hesitant.”
So it was for Patricia and Daniel. Patricia grew up in a happy family with a younger sister. Daniel’s parents separated, and his father soon started a new family. A half-sister arrived who, Daniel felt, mattered more to his father than he did. Patricia says this was one reason Daniel resisted a second child. “He was afraid one of them would be neglected.”
Researchers have identified unequal desire for children as a phenomenon among couples, but reliable data is scarce. To obtain it, both partners would need to be surveyed over a long period of time, and finding participants willing to commit to such a study is difficult.
One of the few data-driven works is a 2014 dissertation by Rostock sociologist Anne-Kristin Kuhnt: according to her findings, around 14% of couples show different levels of desire for children. And gender differences emerge: women tend to be more consistent in their wish to have children, while men change their minds more often. In the end, however, both sexes want children with about the same frequency.
Sociology professor Heike Trappe of the University of Rostock points out that the shift back to traditional roles after the first child cannot always be explained by unequal desire. “The birth of a first child in Germany frequently leads to a return to traditional divisions of labor, no matter how equal things were beforehand.” This means women take on more unpaid work, while men remain more career-focused. The outcome is largely independent of who wanted the child more strongly.
When women decide
Trappe finds it particularly striking how power over family planning shifts: “For the first child, both partners have roughly equal say. But with additional children, women often gain the upper hand in decision-making.” The reason, she explains: “Since women shoulder most of the care work, they are usually the ones who decide whether another child is feasible.”
Around half eventually separate — and often that proves the better choice.
Differing expectations are a frequent cause of breakups. Lauer sees this again and again: “Unequal desire for children is one of the most difficult and emotionally charged issues couples face.” Even with genuine efforts to empathize, a solution is not always possible.
He often sees one partner giving up their wish altogether — either abandoning the desire for children to preserve the relationship, or having a child despite reluctance. “But an unfulfilled desire for children often breeds depression or resentment.” Lauer therefore urges couples in this situation to think carefully about whether they should stay together. In his experience, around half eventually separate — and often that proves the better choice.
Patricia and Daniel stayed together. While their different views and the arrival of their children tested their relationship, Patricia says the family has also grown stronger. “Although he initially felt differently, Daniel now loves both children more than anything and is a wonderful father.” She is grateful she embarked on the project of a family with him, despite all the doubts.
