MADRID — The other day someone told me: “You really help out around the house! What a super dad!”
My ego was boosted, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the words he used. “Helping?!” It is as if prepping food, staying with my boys because Irene is on a work trip, shopping or making sure the children’s rucksacks are packed were optional extras. As if home life, family and children were someone else’s responsibility, and I was just gaining points by being a helping hand.
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It’s curious that when a man is a caregiver, he is applauded as if it were something exceptional. Mentioning this can seem like I am celebrating myself (I am not, I am quite embarrassed to write this). When a woman does these tasks, she is simply carrying out her duty.
Although domestic tasks fall more heavily on a woman’s shoulders. there are women who also celebrate when men do their bit. And I think that’s fine, although that may sound contradictory.
Taking initiative
The late Colombian historian and economist Tatiana Andia wrote about this in a Spanish-language article for El Espectador: “I want to make a reflection — or homage, if you like — about the men who took care of me,” she wrote in January 2025, about members of her family who took care of her during her cancer diagnosis. “It is pertinent because we could be losing an enormous amount of potential as a society if we circumscribe the categories of care exclusively to the feminine.”
Andia also speaks about the need to allow yourself to be cared for, which reminded me of what I wrote — also available in Spanish — in May 2024: “While men have to step forward and take the initiative instead of playing the fool, women should step aside and create a vacuum for the miracle to happen.”
Then I read a newsletter by Australian writer and philosopher Kate Manne, who brings up an uncomfortable but essential point: yes, men can care — but do they actually do it regularly, or only when circumstances force their hand?
Still not the norm
Manne writes that she’s fortunate to have had a partner who stepped up when it mattered. But she’s quick to point out: that’s not the norm. While men have increased their involvement at home, the lion’s share of caregiving still falls squarely on women’s shoulders.
The norm still seems to be that caregiving is a “bonus” in a man’s life, not a central pillar of his identity like it is for women.
The data backs it up. According to the 2023 State of the World’s Fathers report, men spend just 19% of their time on unpaid care work, compared to women’s 55%. Depending on the country, women provide between 3 and 7 times more daily care than men.
“As women, we are the caregivers and the holders. But we are radically uncared for and unheld ourselves. It’s not fair: and, to a large extent, men can fix it,” wrote Manne.
A practice, not an instinct
On one hand, we know that we men can care for others. We’re just as capable as women. But let’s be honest — too often we only jump in when there’s no other choice, when the situation demands it.
That’s the uncomfortable truth: if it’s not about lacking the ability, is it just something we’re avoiding? Why? The norm still seems to be that caregiving is a “bonus” in a man’s life, not a central pillar of his identity like it is for women.
Caregiving actually isn’t this kind of automatic, instinctual thing. It requires a lot of thought and reasoning and work.
As psychology professor Alison Gopnik put it in the latest edition of the Early Childhood Matters magazine, “Caregiving actually isn’t this kind of automatic, instinctual thing. It requires a lot of thought and reasoning and work.” I’d add: it takes patience, it can be frustrating, and it’s hard work.
Types of care
🍼 Physical care: Feeding, dressing, bathing, tending to illness. Think: skipping work when a child is sick, or taking them to the office when school’s out.
🧠 Mental load: Keeping track of doctor’s appointments, buying gifts, managing the family schedule. Next vaccine? Pediatrician checkup? Grocery list for the week? Planning the kids’ birthday party?
💬 Emotional care: Lifting your kids’ spirits, supporting them through crises, tending to the family’s emotional needs. Who do we — as men — talk to about our fears and secrets? Who speaks with the kids about their vulnerabilities?
📅 Relational care: Maintaining ties with grandparents, uncles, friends… and nurturing the couple’s relationship. Who keeps track of the family’s social calendar? Who buys the birthday gifts?
⌛ Ongoing, uninterrupted care: It’s not just playing with your kids — it’s managing the grind of daily life: schoolwork, sleep routines, logistics, and coordination.
I’m sure I’m forgetting things or missing others entirely. Feel free to add more.
Cultural expectations
A crucial starting point for men is to ask ourselves: Are we sharing these responsibilities equally? We could even ask our partners, right?
Sometimes we men show up for the visible and occasional tasks — changing a diaper, firing up the BBQ, taking the kids to the park — while our partners still play the role of household managers, bearing the invisible weight that no one sees or acknowledges — and that never ends.
This isn’t about making men into victims or blaming ourselves. It’s not just a couple’s issue — it runs deeper. It’s cultural. The problem isn’t that men don’t care — it’s that we’re not expected to.
As women, we are the caregivers and the holders. But we are radically uncared for and unheld ourselves.
So how do we shift care from being seen as a “bonus” trait in men to a fundamental part of who we are — as it has been for women for centuries?
Why is it that when a woman handles all this, no one says anything — it’s just “normal”? But when a man does, he’s called a “model father” or gets a standing ovation?
Breaking the cycle
Cultural change isn’t just about giving visibility to the men who do care — though that’s important. Not to applaud them as rare exceptions. Rather, to normalize it. So that it becomes second nature to see a dad show up at work on Monday morning with his kid in tow.
Workplaces can help by offering real support and flexibility that lets men take on caregiving without sacrificing career growth.
Because shifting deep-seated expectations also means putting real policies in place — like shared parental leave, gender-equality education from an early age, and awareness campaigns that show care as a shared responsibility.
We need to rethink what care means. It shouldn’t be something “extra” in a man’s identity. Of course men can care — and without being asked, it should be part of how we show up in the world.
