-Op-Ed-
KYIV — In this grim world, there can be no justice. Justice cannot exist where thousands perish. Nothing can exist here except the desire to scream. But you cannot translate this scream into words. You can only write about the blood-stained mud and charred remains, but never truly feel it. And to feel it is to live through it.
It is an experience that is both horrifying and terrifying, which whispers to you that only the strong will survive.
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War is by definition awful. Any psychologically mature and modern individual would find little appeal in any form of military service. But people serve because they have no other option but to serve. It is required of us.
However, our quantity somehow translates into quality. More of us on the terrain means less blood covering the mud. That’s how war operates.
And if we don’t compel those capable of bearing arms into the military, then we’ll soon cease to exist. And when we do, there will be nothing left. Artists in exile might write and read thoughtful articles about how we lost everything, but what good will that do?
Why must some fight for almost two years while others are scrolling through their smartphones, relying on others’ sense of immortality and fearlessness for their survival?
The gap between us soldiers and those who have turned their back on us won’t narrow. It will widen.
Ukraine needs more men
Those who haven’t seen war will never understand those who have. Never. I refuse to accept any arguments to the contrary. And, no, there won’t be an “after the war” if everyone leaves. There will be war everywhere, wherever the Russian bastards decide to go.
There’s no need to delude oneself about a single and equal front
If plumbers and clerks don’t join the military, then the enemy’s army will come to plumbers and clerks. Pacifist positions won’t save anyone from labor camps, torture for entertainment, a bullet to the head, or, once again, mobilization. It’s been there. It exists there, beyond the line. It’s just that only a few see it.
There’s no need to delude oneself about a single and equal front that unifies the whole country. It holds up as long as our men on the front hold it together. How long will they last? Six months? Less? And then? Then, the front will start breaking apart. And what about the war? Will it evaporate? No, it won’t evaporate. This isn’t herpes. It’s a sarcoma. Insidious. It doesn’t just disappear. Any infantile optimism that tries to put these facts into a better light can remain in 2023. Otherwise, it’s time to look ahead.
I’m tired
Do I want to continue serving in the Ukrainian Armed Forces (UAF)? I don’t. I’m tired. I’m saying this from Kyiv, not from the trenches. I want to be one of those who plays on smartphones and writes novels. I want to have the luxury to believe in the Ukrainian Armed Forces while I’m safely far from the frontline. I want to believe in the UAF, not as a way for others to believe in me. I want to attend festivals without military reports coming in, leave the garrison without permission, give interviews without approval, sleep as much as I want, travel to the U.S. and Europe on a tour, without counting days for leave where I need to squeeze in writing texts, editing a novel, and apartment repairs.
I had the opportunity during all these long months of war to live in European residencies and avoid all the things I have come to witness and understand. I could have been stuck in traffic leaving Kyiv on February 24, 2022.
I could have gone into internal exile and disappeared somewhere in the summer of 2022 and started speaking on behalf of the entire country at international venues without any ground to stand on. I had plenty of opportunities to avoid the war. I could have even turned a blind eye to it, just as some of my colleagues did.
No justice
In this war, there’s no justice. And it’s the soldiers who volunteered to save the country in the early days who feel this the most. It’s even stranger to hear a demand for justice, negotiations, surrender from civilians, politicians, commentators who have no understanding or experience of war.
Do I have the right to say, “I can’t handle it”?
The concept of justice was burnt out when one part of the male population went to take action, while the other either chickened out or sank to the bottom of their conscience under the pressure of fear and indecision. That’s the current state of justice.
But I’m not a career soldier, and I want to take a break. Is that a fair wish? Do I have the right to say, “I can’t handle it”?
Will the civilian population continue to believe in the Ukrainian Armed Forces and enthusiastically support those who make it all work, without actually helping them along the way?
What do I think about all this? Believe me, the Ukrainian military won’t disappoint. They have no choice. But we need new units. It’s time others started believing in themselves.
As for something else, looking ahead to 2024, my main takeaway from last year is painfully banal. I survived. I wish we could all survive. Preferably without dire consequences or collateral damage. But even here, in the beautiful, peaceful Kyiv, not everyone will survive.
