BUENOS AIRES — Yamila, 45, and Dardo, 43, have been together for eight years. They live in Mar del Plata, a resort city just south of Buenos Aires on Argentina’s Atlantic coast, and both have two children from previous relationships. But if their relationship has a defining trait, it is that they belong to the swinger community — something that for them goes far beyond sex: “It’s a lifestyle,” they said.
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It all started out of curiosity. They were a traditional monogamous couple looking for something new. But finding what they wanted wasn’t so easy. At first, they didn’t know where to look, who the right people might be or if they would even dare venture into the swinger world.
The adventurers began by using Facebook. There, they encountered their first problems: What they discovered, they recall, is that couples who practice swinging do not use a conventional profile for their purposes. They have second accounts to contact potential candidates. “We started searching, searching and searching, but we weren’t getting anywhere. It was also difficult to go to places to meet couples. So we said, ‘We can set up our own place.’” That is how they began, “without knowing the environment, and as observers,” they told Clarín.
What they opened was a swinger’s club, which, according to them, “is a place where couples, singles and individuals who share the same culture come together: an open mind, knowing how to share, differentiating between sex and love. In other words, you can share many things but always maintain certain rules. It’s a social place where there’s usually music, you dance, have a drink, meet people and see what comes to mind.”
Setting boundaries and rules
Now, as the leaders of the swinger club, they could access what they wanted. They discovered their preferences, developed their own dynamics and established rules — an essential part of the swinger community.
“Here, the woman always pulls the strings. In this case, she decides what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, and then we discuss it together. We mostly have threesomes,” Dardo said.
Yamila, who is also president of the Argentine Liberal Swingers Association (ASLA), clarified that while they’ve engaged in “soft swinging,” what they enjoy most are threesomes, with both men and women. What is “soft swinging”? “It’s when the encounter doesn’t involve penetration. There’s play, oral sex, everything, but then each side leaves with their partner,” she said.
Within the swinger community, there is often some controversy over which practices do and do not belong within swingerism. The most rigid proponents maintain that single men and women, and those who engage in threesomes should not be included in the community. Yamila and Dardo emphatically denied this theory.
Once you’ve managed to distinguish sex from love, it’s hard to go back.
“The swinger community encompasses more than just couples, single men and women. That is, everyone who shares the same culture and way of experiencing sexuality,” they asserted. Particularly regarding threesomes, they mentioned that “by opening up the relationship together and bringing in another person, they are part of the community.”
“For example, with a single woman, I am exchanging my partner because I am giving him up so he can be with her. So, even though it is a threesome, we are also exchanging,” Yamila said.
But they are not ruling out including other types of exchanges in the future. “We’re taking the time to get to know each other, to see the rules, to test our own limits. Tomorrow, maybe, with a partner we feel comfortable with, we can do other things,” they said.
A new culture and lifestyle
Getting involved in the swinger community and returning to traditional monogamy, the couple said, is unlikely. Sometimes young people take a break, for example, when they have a child; but then they come back, the interviewees said. For now, Yamila and Dardo cannot imagine any other way of connecting. “It’s a lifestyle you get used to,” they said.
“Once you’ve opened your mind and managed to distinguish sex from love, it’s hard to go back. It’s no longer a practice, it’s a culture. You would be going against your own being, against your own freedoms,” Dardo said. On the other hand, both emphasized the social aspect of swingerism as one of its greatest attractions.
“Beyond having sex with people you meet later, you start to build friendships. It’s a whole social world; it’s not just the sexual aspect,” they said. “We choose to surround ourselves with people who are open-minded, who share similar way ideas.”
What is best about being a swinger, Yamila said, is “the connection we have as a couple, trying new experiences together and not having to lie to each other. You gain a new level of trust, and it frees you from a lot of things (because we all have fantasies).”
Her husband agreed, saying “I think this is important: being able to say everything face to face is one less thing to worry about in life. Saying ‘we’re doing something’ and doing it together; leaving your phone unlocked on the table without any worries. That’s what I like.”
The couple summarized their lifestyle, saying “You enjoy watching the other enjoy themselves.”
Moments of discrimination
The couple never hesitated in admitting to others they were swingers. Their families know it, their acquaintances know it, and their neighbors know it. It wasn’t always easy, they said. A few years ago, they suffered not only discrimination but also some acts of violence. They say neighbors even broke both their house and car windows when they opened their first swingers club. “They didn’t understand what was happening, so they attacked,” they recalled.
This lack of knowledge, they said, led to them being labeled “degenerates” or participating in an “anything goes” environment where no one took precautions.
“Just because you have the freedom to share certain things with your partner doesn’t mean you have no responsibility when you come to do them, like taking care of myself, of him and the other person participating with us. And also the emotional responsibility of checking the other person is having a good time,” Yamila said. How did the family react on finding out they were swingers?
Yamila says “my mom and dad are older. I’ve had long conversations with them. My mom has riddled me with questions. Never out of judgment but just wanting to know. And they’ve understood what it’s all about.”
It’s a safe place, organized by serious people.
She said of her mother, who married the only man in her life: “Little by little, she began to understand it. She doesn’t share it, she wouldn’t, but she does understand that one is free to do so.”
The negative experiences they suffered in their early days were what convinced Yamila to become the president of ASLA, the association that represents the swinger community in Argentina. “When they invited me, the first thing that came to mind were the moments of discrimination we suffered. I remembered how sad it was to be alone at that moment, and how nice it would have been to have someone to support us’”
She said the first thing she thought about as ASLA president was “being able to defend our culture and our people, who often have a hard time. I believed it would be a weapon to protect the people of our community.” As president she also issued an open invitation to ASLA’s second anniversary party in August in Buenos Aires. Yamila called it a “great opportunity for couples and singles who are curious and want to learn a little about what it’s all about. It’s a safe place, organized by serious people. And observers are welcome, too, because that’s how we all get started.”
