Alone Or Lonely? There’s A Critical Difference, Especially As We Get Older

-OpEd-

BUENOS AIRES — Is being alone the same as feeling lonely? Hardly, for the latter is a sense of isolation and the need for more encounters or relations. Yet even in company you can feel alone, which is what makes this yet another, complex human experience.

In recent times, a considerable body of research has stressed how isolation or loneliness could cause mental and physical ailments. That has prompted several countries to turn the predicament into a policy issue now slotted into the public health agenda.

Like some philosopher’s stone, social relations are in turn cited as the element most closely tied to longevity and happiness, as one, now legendary, Harvard University study affirmed. It is useful then to understand some of the reasons behind this state of mind.

We know that safe and extensive social networks help reduce personal fears and insecurities, and may curb rising stress at critical junctures. But when speaking of social networks, we should recall that loneliness (when not chosen) can be felt when being with others. So it cannot be exclusively a matter of more friends and may be related to the quality of our relations.

Make or break bonds

A pertinent, operative word in this respect is bonds, as they send us back to the idea of attachment. It is fair to assume people need solid relations that create a sense of security and trust. Solid bonds are crucial in childhood for example, but the need for them persists in adulthood, more or less depending on our makeup, situations or the stage of life. Whatever our age, it is also fair to say we suffer when a “solid” relationship breaks down.

A particular trait of bonds is a sense of being valued or loved. But do we play a role in “creating” this added value? That suggests strong ties depend on our social skills and aptitudes. And are they real in that case?

Other factors helping to make or break ties include changing circumstances or life’s phases, or the loss of a role, which suggests loneliness goes beyond the quantity and even quality of our personal relationships. Considering a diversity of factors can give us new perspectives and alternative “solutions” to the phenomenon.

It seems we value ourselves more when we believe we are worth more to others.

It is habitual, for example though not exclusive among older people to feel lonely. Losses generate changes in existing ties and make them feel alone among people they know. With the loss of loved-ones, they might also lose a set of validations and affective ties that previously aided their sense of the self.

Retirement, grown children leaving home or physical limitations can deprive you of the role you played — and thought was yours — which was a vehicle for exchange of affections and source of self-respect. You then wonder, who am I without those other people to whom I gave, and who gave me, care, importance or love?

Utility of affection

Several studies have shown links between feeling needed and useful, and quality of living and reduced disability or mortality risks. A study in France found older people who did not feel useful as being more likely to become disabled, while Japanese researchers concluded that older people who felt useless were twice as likely to die within six years.

In Finland, a study that found that people aged 75 years and older were less likely to die within 10 years when they felt needed. An American study found seniors who felt they were no longer needed as being four times more likely to fall gravely ill or die.

These indicate crucially that the nature of our relationships is diverse, but also show the utility of affective ties to our sense of the self. It seems we value ourselves more when we believe we are worth more to others.

Each person needs, to differing degrees and in different forms, to feel that his or her life is important to others, and sensing this is not the case can generate profound emptiness. No doubt, requited love is the greatest expression of this vital link, or as Argentine songwriter Osvaldo Fresedo wrote in his tango “Vida Mia” (“My Life”): “You are my life and I’d love to have you pinned by my side, to drown my loneliness.”