HAMBURG — My friend Rosa wears a royal blue coat lined with leopard print. Her ex-boyfriend, Simon, paid for it. But it wasn’t a gift. After they broke up, Rosa told him he owed her something for all the effort she had put into the relationship. Her argument was simple: even though it was over, he would carry the benefits of what she had taught him for the rest of his life.
That kind of contribution deserves recognition — even if it comes in the form of an expensive coat.
At first, I found the idea a bit strange. Shouldn’t relationships be about trust, not transactions? Why would anyone pay for love, especially after it ends?
But as we talked more about it, I began to see her point. There are some compelling reasons why women might ask for financial compensation for what they give in a relationship.
The wage gap still exists
Study after study has confirmed it: women still earn less than men, even when doing the same work. According to Germany’s Federal Statistical Office, women are paid around 16% less than men on average. That fact alone suggests that if men want to support real equality, they should consider compensating their partners in relationships.
At the same time, women often face higher costs than men.
It’s not just about how certain products aimed at women tend to be more expensive than similar ones for men — something often called the “pink tax.” It’s also about the fact that women have to spend money on items many men never even think about: tampons, sanitary pads, period underwear, bras.
Men who understand how unfair this is should be willing to contribute too.
Tax on looks
This is something younger women especially have started to break down on TikTok.
Take a typical date at a restaurant: she puts on makeup, does her hair, spends time figuring out what to wear so she feels good. Many women constantly maintain their appearance, tending to their nails, following a skincare routine, removing body hair, even getting Botox.
Some TikTok users have started doing the math: These routines can cost hundreds of euros a month. And who enjoys the results? Their partner, of course, always so appreciative of a woman who takes care of herself.
At what point does social pressure start to feel like coercion?
But it’s not just about money: all this grooming takes time too, time men are not spending. Many on social media are pointing this out: while she may take one or two hours to get ready, he might give his armpits a quick sniff and throw on a clean T-shirt.
That’s not true of all men, of course. But some of them do have time left over to rest, network, or impress their boss by working late, which often brings financial rewards. So why shouldn’t men use the extra money from their latest raise to pay for the meal? Or even that coat? Someone might argue that no one’s forcing women to wear makeup, wax, or get Botox. But at what point does social pressure start to feel like coercion?
Under pressure
For as long as I can remember, people have commented on my appearance. I’ve been told I’m too ugly, my thighs are too big, my breasts too small, or that I’m just not feminine enough.
When I was 13, I learned that having pubic hair could make someone decide not to love you. That’s something many women experience.
Back then, magazines were full of stories about women whose “flaws” were supposedly disgusting. TV shows made fun of how women looked. And there are studies showing that women who wear makeup have better career chances. So can you really blame women for focusing so much on how they look?
Unseen work deserves pay?
On top of all the visible effort women put into being seen as attractive, there’s also the invisible work they do in relationships. Let’s start with the usual caregiving roles. Women often take on more responsibility at home and in the family than men do.
Men live healthier lives in relationships. Well, some of them basically have a private chef.
A friend of mine, who is an excellent cook, lived with her ex-boyfriend for years — often preparing three meals a day for both of them. Cooking for her isn’t a quick task: it can take hours.
She told me he never even made her a coffee when she was at his place.
Men tend to live healthier lives in relationships. No wonder, when some of them basically have a private chef. Shouldn’t she get paid for that?
This friend knows how much she gives to others, and she has long insisted that the men she dates cover their share of the costs. Once, years later, she even sent a Venmo request to a former partner. Her argument was that he had gotten much more out of their sex life than she had. Whether or not you see sex as a form of care work is debatable, but in her case, it seemed like she had put in a lot more effort. He sent her 200 euros. I don’t think I would ever have dared to do that, but I admired her for it.
Women often help men become better people
Of course, there are relationships where the woman doesn’t wear makeup or cook. But there’s still another kind of work many women do: emotional labor.
That was true for Rosa too. She and Simon were together for almost three years. When they had breakfast on the balcony, the table would end up cluttered with plates, glasses, and coffee cups. Rosa would get up and start clearing things without even thinking. She’d walk back and forth ten times while Simon stayed seated, reading the paper.
He also wasn’t great at making conversation. If he forgot to greet someone, Rosa would remind him so he wouldn’t come across as rude. So far, that’s just basic care work.
But trying to change your partner’s behavior can be even more draining. Rosa says she did that a lot. She always made sure not to make him feel attacked. Teaching him to take initiative, to notice tasks, and to be more emotionally present, that is emotional labor. And it takes a lot out of you.
Burdens fall more heavily on women
Sure, in every relationship both people grow and learn from one another. But some responsibilities tend to fall more heavily on women. They are often the ones who end up explaining to men how to treat women properly, how to accept a no. They pour time, energy, and emotional effort into talking about sexism, aggression, and inequality.
Today, he’s a different man.
When I meet someone new, I spend a lot of energy trying to figure out whether they understand what consent really means. I try to gauge how likely they are to respect my boundaries. I explain how often those boundaries have been ignored, and why women face more disadvantages in society. I explain that yes, a condom is non-negotiable, because most women can get pregnant. And because women who sleep with men usually face a higher risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. All of that takes its toll.
Now I can barely understand why I ever found Rosa’s demand to Simon odd. Today, he’s a different man. Everything he learned from her helps him both at work and in future relationships. The coat he gave her means something to her. For her, it was his way of acknowledging her contribution.
Men benefit for life
I truly believe that many men go on to benefit for the rest of their lives from the changes they experience thanks to women. Rosa’s approach has inspired others in our group. One friend, for example, took all the furniture she wanted when she and her ex split. He accepted it as compensation for the emotional labor she had done.
Many men have asked me how they can learn more about feminism. My answer is this: if you really want to change, you need to find a space where you can learn alongside others what injustice looks like. That’s what it has been like for me. And maybe then we can begin to figure out how to make things more fair, even if it’s only within the scope of a single relationship.
Why is money such a good way to even things out? Because if you ever loved me, then at the very least you should make sure I won’t be living in poverty when I’m old. That means investing in my retirement. If you’re serious about equality, then you know about the pink tax, the gender pay gap, the gender care gap.
If you’ve spent your whole life reaping the rewards of my labor, then tell me: where is my money?