BERLIN — The conventional wisdom goes that beautiful women have a difficult time finding mates because, among other reasons, there aren’t enough good-looking men to go around. And yet, it turns out that looks are not nearly as important in the game of love as is generally assumed.
Fairy tales and myths tell us that beauty is the trump card in finding love, that a beautiful princess has untold numbers of admirers. And if women’s magazines are to be believed, women need amazing perfume, regular workouts, great body lotion, the occasional whole-body peel, well-shaved private parts, an impeccable manicure, perfect make-up, and of course a fashionable hairstyle.
But the longer I work as a consultant to singles, the clearer it becomes to me that the importance of looks in the search for a partner has been dramatically overstated. Despite cosmetic industry hype, the fact is that all the efforts made to look more beautiful are pretty much a waste of time. And yet I also see what huge pressure women feel to measure up.
About 90% of women question whether they are beautiful, and many have internalized an image of themselves as a sort of ugly duckling. This is true of all ages and education levels, and of women with both average looks and who are by any objective measure beautiful.
But just how much do looks really play in the search for love?
People generally choose partners who are roughly their aesthetic equals, and plenty of studies confirm this. Because most people have average looks, it is easier for them to find partners than it is for good-looking or extremely good-looking people, for whom the pool is smaller.
The very beautiful woman rarely meets her male equivalent because there are very few of them. And othe admirers she attracts are often the wrong type. Many of these men are not interested in her mind (“she’s so smart!”) or who she is (“are we suited to each other?”) but rather are attracted to her because of her looks (“wow, she’s seriously gorgeous!”).
Because so many women have internalized the myth of the beautiful admired woman, they often don’t understand their failure in love. I speak from experience with a client who looked like a top model but was all alone. She told me how seldom men were interested in her.
That doesn’t surprise me. I’ve spoken to many men about this, and the result is pretty unanimous: They generally can’t see themselves with a woman who has it way over them in the looks department. Men want to feel on an equal footing, so beautiful women are often written off.
What would I advise the exceptionally beautiful woman to do when looking for a partner? For one thing, to be very active in her search, particularly on the Internet. For another: The more attractive she is, the more she should expand her search radius. It’s not enough to look where you live. One attractive German TV talk show host expanded her search to Paris — a successful idea, as it turned out.
The whole aura
Looking for a partner is not a beauty contest. Some “lookers” are boring and colorless when you meet them. Others are the embodiment, the picture, of joie de vivre. When it comes to a connection between one person and another it’s the whole aura of the other that counts.
Facial expressions, gestures, voice, posture, what people say and — often far more important — how they say it are all part of this overall essence. A person’s attractiveness are dictated by all these elements, of which looks are only one of many criteria.
The aura somebody projects is directly related to how satisfied they are with their life. So far more important than a stunning dress or hairdo is, for example, whether a woman is really happy with her life. If she enjoys her work. If she has good friends. If she projects confidence and a fundamental satisfaction with her lot.
Being satisfied with one’s life, inner peace, serenity — these are what really matter when looking for a partner.
Welcome to Thursday, where leaked documents show how some countries are lobbying to change a key report on climate change, Moscow announces new full lockdown and the world's first robot artist is arrested over spying allegations. Meanwhile, German daily Die Welt looks at the rapprochement between two leaders currently at odds with Europe: UK's BoJo and Turkey's Erdogan.[*Bodo - India, Nepal and Bengal]
🌎 7 THINGS TO KNOW RIGHT NOW
• Documents reveal countries lobbying against climate action: Leaked documents have revealed that some of the world's biggest fossil fuel and meat producing countries, including Australia, Japan and Saudi Arabia, are trying to water down a UN scientific report on climate change and pushing back on its recommendations for action, less than one month before the COP26 climate summit.
• COVID update: The city of Moscow plans to reintroduce lockdown measures next week, closing nearly all shops, bars and restaurants, after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a nationwide seven-day workplace shutdown from Oct. 30 to combat the country's record surge in coronavirus cases and deaths. Meanwhile, India has crossed the 1 billion vaccinations milestone.
• India and Nepal floods death toll passes 180: Devastating floods in Nepal and the two Indian states of Uttarakhand and Kerala have killed at least 180 people, following record-breaking rainfall.
• Barbados elects first ever president: Governor general Dame Sandra Mason has been elected as Barbados' first president as the Caribbean island prepares to become a republic after voting to remove Queen Elizabeth II as head of state.
• Trump to launch social media platform: After being banned from several social media platforms including Facebook and Twitter, former U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would launch his own app called TRUTH Social in a bid "to fight back against Big Tech." The app is scheduled for release early next year.
• Human remains found in hunt for Gabby Petito's fiance: Suspected human remains and items belonging to Brian Laundrie were found in a Florida park, more than one month after his disappearance. Laundrie was a person of interest in the murder of his fiancee Gabby Petito, who was found dead by strangulation last month.
• Artist robot detained in Egypt over spying fear: Ai-Da, the world's ultra-realistic robot artist, was detained for 10 days by authorities in Egypt where it was due to present its latest art works, over fears the robot was part of an espionage plot. Ai-Da was eventually cleared through customs, hours before the exhibition was due to start.
🗞️ FRONT PAGE
"Nine crimes and a tragedy," titles Brazilian daily Extra, after a report from Brazil's Senate concluded that President Jair Bolsonaro and his government had failed to act quickly to stop the deadly coronavirus pandemic, accusing them of crimes against humanity.
📰 STORY OF THE DAY
Erdogan and Boris Johnson: A new global power duo?
As Turkey fears the EU closing ranks over defense, Turkish President Erdogan is looking to Boris Johnson as a post-Brexit ally, especially as Angela Merkel steps aside. This could undermine the deal where Ankara limits refugee entry into Europe, and other dossiers too, write Carolina Drüten and Gregor Schwung in German daily Die Welt.
🇹🇷🇬🇧 According to the Elysée Palace, the French presidency "can't understand" why Turkey would overreact, since the defense pact that France recently signed in Paris with Greece is not aimed at Ankara. Although Paris denies this, it is difficult to see the agreement as anything other than a message, perhaps even a provocation, targeted at Turkey. The country has long felt left out in the cold, at odds with the European Union over a number of issues. Yet now President Recep Tayyip Erdogan is setting his sights on another country, which also wants to become more independent from Europe: the UK.
⚠️ Outgoing German Chancellor Angela Merkel always argued for closer collaboration with Turkey. She never supported French President Emmanuel Macron's ideas about greater strategic autonomy for countries within the EU. But now that she's leaving office, Macron is keen to make the most of the power vacuum Merkel will leave behind. The prospect of France's growing influence is "not especially good news for Turkey," says Ian Lesser, vice president of the think tank German Marshall Fund.
🤝 At the UN summit in September, Erdogan had a meeting with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson at the recently opened Turkish House in New York. Kalin says it was a "very good meeting" and that the two countries are "closely allied strategic partners." He says they plan to work together more closely on trade, but with a particular focus on defense. The groundwork for collaboration was already in place. Britain consistently supported Turkey's ambition to join the EU, and gave an ultimate proof of friendship after the failed coup in 2016.
➡️ Read more on Worldcrunch.com
"He has fought tirelessly against the corruption of Vladimir Putin's regime. This cost him his liberty and nearly his life."
— David Sassoli, president of the European Parliament, wrote on Twitter, following the announcement that imprisoned Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny was awarded the 2021 Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought, the European Union's highest tribute to human rights defenders. Navalny, who survived a poisoning that he blames on the Kremlin, is praised for his "immense personal bravery" in fighting Putin's regime. The European Parliament called for his immediate release from jail, as Russian authorities opened a new criminal case against the activist that could see him stay in jail for another decade.
Chinese video platform Youku is under fire after announcing it is launching a new variety show called in Mandarin Squid's Victory (Yóuyú de shènglì) on social media, through a poster that also bears striking similarities with the visual identity of Netflix's current South Korean hit series Squid Game. Youku apologized by saying it was just a "draft" poster.
✍️ Newsletter by Anne-Sophie Goninet, Jane Herbelin and Bertrand Hauger
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